I ran out of here so quickly, that I'd like to be a little more clear on my 2 week project.I'll be using a rating system, along with weight loss numbers.
For pain in joints a scale of 1-10.
For overall physical and mental wellness-again a 1-10.
My goal is to primarily feel better, but looking better is also huge. No pun intended.
Not that I think I'm huge. It's just that some days I feel like I'm taking up more than my allotted space in any given room.
( top- that's me as a size 6 at the Philadelphia Eagles playoff party with some friends. I'm on the left)
Seeing recent photos of myself was like having a bucket of ice water thrown in my chubby face. That can't be me! WTF happened?
Even if there were no such things as mirrors or cameras, I can still feel that I'm not myself. At least not the self that I deserve and wish to be.
The biggest key to health and weight loss, I believe is to feel that you truly deserve good health and a fit body.
If you keep telling yourself that you need to lose weight, but that little voice on the tape recorder in your head tells you that:
1) It's too hard to lose weight
2) You hate to exercise
3) You'll just gain it back like all the other times, so why bother
4) Caring about how you look and feel is selfish
Well, then maybe deep down you don't think you are worth the effort. I've tracked my own ups and downs over the years, and I can tell you this-
I've allowed others to distract me, and then blamed them when I veered off the path of wellness.
When my father was sick and in the hospital, the entire family kept a constant vigil. Someone was there every day. Since I was not working fulltime then, I felt that I should pick up the slack and go more often than anyone else. I had the time, right?
I had gone back to school to become a personal trainer and was working out on a daily basis, and at forty two years old, had looked and felt better than I had in years.
I can recall, vividly the moment when I let myself go off my path. We were at the hospital and I was getting ready to leave so I could walk on the treadmill.
When I got up to leave and was asked by my family where I was going, I told them to work out. There was an uncomfortable silence, and I immediately felt guilty.
Here I was, being so selfish, when my father and my family needed me.
Since I was a small child, I was told by my parents on occasion that I was a selfish person, and I never really understood why.
That word, to this day, can crush me.
From that one sentence uttered, my perception of myself shifted. I was no longer proud of my accomplishments ( going back to school at my age! losing 35 lbs! starting a new career as a personal trainer and getting up at 5am to visit clients!) I was back to the little girl who felt scared, unloved and invisible most of the time- but apparently the only thing that my family saw was my selfishness.
At six years old.
The power of words can be beyond powerful.
After that, well, I didn't just skip my workouts.
I also began eating. Not just regular eating, but stuff-my-face with mashed potatoes, cheesesteaks, chips, ice cream, anything that soothed my savage, selfish beast.
Within a year not only had my weight ballooned, but I started having weird, unexplained health issues.
Fractures in both of my feet kept me from walking without pain. The prescribed medication and side effects? you guessed it! weight gain!
My dad has been gone for 8 years now. I love him and miss him terribly.
I know that he was a stressed out, unhappy man when I was 6. He and I grew very close later in life, and I never told him how hurt I had been as a child.
I know too that only I can decide for myself what is best for me, and what it is that I deserve.
And I deserve to be happy. And healthy.
No comments:
Post a Comment